The Chess Ecosystem: The Neckbeard

Last time you learned about the part-time patzer, a gregarious creature at home in his habitat. Our little safari is going to take us deeper into the wilds today. We are going to examine neckbeardus jerkus, the common neckbeard, in his natural surroundings.

Classification: Neckbeard is sometimes a misnomer, because not all members have an unshaven mass of hair far below their chin. The animals are, like the gross tuft of hair from which they derive their name, irritating, unattractive, and nearly impossible to contain. A neckbeard has no consciousness of his actions towards others. He believes he’s a charming intellect and, people don’t have the heart to tell him the truth. The creature belongs to mammalia and is most closely related to the rat.

Disposition: Neckbeard reproductive habits remain a mystery. They are infrequently given mating opportunities, but somehow never die out. When you are playing a game of chess a neckbeard will come along and suggest moves, ruining your fun. Not agreeing with his moves makes you an idiot. He has no empathy or human kindness so he loses himself in technical pursuits like chess.

Once he scans the room, the neckbeard will begin to make biting remarks about others’ chess play. The neckbeard is known for giving unsolicited opinions. His defense is rapid speech, spraying the air with meaningless chatter. He is also capable of creating a wall of ignorance. His logic is facile, but he can spin it into a web to corner his prey.

Physical characteristics: The neckbeard is usually lanky. Glasses are common, and a four-eyed neckbeard is the most aggressive. They are known to give pursuit once they get your scent. They often wear poor, ill-fitting clothes because they have no sense of the reality around them.

Killing the neckbeard: There are times when the only dictum is the law of the jungle. Protect your chess board and chess set. By showing weakness or passivity towards the neckbeard, you risk becoming a target for others of his kind.

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