Chess Players

Sometimes we lose our sense of proportion. We’re crazy General Custer on the wrong end of Bull Run; perhaps we are tasked with fighting off the innumerable Persian hordes. Inside of us throbs a certain something. Our pulse quickens, we yell out, “This is Sparta!” and go on to glory – well, not always. Our actions can descend into caricature.

An older gentleman, Gary, played a very interesting chess game last Tuesday. After an hour, all but two pieces and pawns remained on the board. Both players had approached the Tarrasch French in front of them with deliberation and skill. My own match ended quickly, so I caught quite a bit of their game.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the game score because I had to go buy Gary some baby aspirin for chest pain. The older man’s health had been worsening throughout the game. His complexion was sickly and it was obvious he was in extreme discomfort. Despite our trying to reason with him he refused to concede.

“I’m playing some great chess,” he offered in rebuttal. This was true, but beside the point. Confronted with his own mortality he kept playing. Soon both players got into time pressure.

Gary lost the game. As time wore on his physical weakening took its toll on his mental ability. Fortunately, the aspirin did the trick, and Gary seemed to be in good spirits by the time he left. Disaster averted. The old man grumbled about the inconvenience of his physical health, upset about the loss.

What he’s going to remember is not his physical distress, his possibly life-threatening decision, but the game score. That’s what makes chess players want to devote their lives to moving wood around. The idea of building something, of a rarified experience. Maybe it’s the game’s fault. Having success in chess means full immersion. It’s no wonder that dedication sometimes becomes absurd. Of course, I haven’t half Gary’s skill.

We all make all our final stands somewhere. Perhaps Gary realizes that the time will come to leave this Earth, and his position will necessarily be losing. What’s he’ll leave is a thought record and the color he injects into it.

Last time you learned about the part-time patzer, a gregarious creature at home in his habitat. Our little safari is going to take us deeper into the wilds today. We are going to examine neckbeardus jerkus, the common neckbeard, in his natural surroundings.

Classification: Neckbeard is sometimes a misnomer, because not all members have an unshaven mass of hair far below their chin. The animals are, like the gross tuft of hair from which they derive their name, irritating, unattractive, and nearly impossible to contain. A neckbeard has no consciousness of his actions towards others. He believes he’s a charming intellect and, people don’t have the heart to tell him the truth. The creature belongs to mammalia and is most closely related to the rat.

Disposition: Neckbeard reproductive habits remain a mystery. They are infrequently given mating opportunities, but somehow never die out. When you are playing a game of chess a neckbeard will come along and suggest moves, ruining your fun. Not agreeing with his moves makes you an idiot. He has no empathy or human kindness so he loses himself in technical pursuits like chess.

Once he scans the room, the neckbeard will begin to make biting remarks about others’ chess play. The neckbeard is known for giving unsolicited opinions. His defense is rapid speech, spraying the air with meaningless chatter. He is also capable of creating a wall of ignorance. His logic is facile, but he can spin it into a web to corner his prey.

Physical characteristics: The neckbeard is usually lanky. Glasses are common, and a four-eyed neckbeard is the most aggressive. They are known to give pursuit once they get your scent. They often wear poor, ill-fitting clothes because they have no sense of the reality around them.

Killing the neckbeard: There are times when the only dictum is the law of the jungle. Protect your chess board and chess set. By showing weakness or passivity towards the neckbeard, you risk becoming a target for others of his kind.