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After reading the revolutionary “How to Win Chess Almost Every Time” on Wikihow I’m reduced to tears dropping down upon a keyboard. I’ve been writing to you for six months, on chess topics ranging from the Stygian to the sunny, but I still don’t have you winning nearly always. I promise to turn over a new leaf soon! You can look forward to such illustrious columns from me as “Proceeding When your Opponent Also Knows how to Win Almost Every Time.” Won’t you stay tuned for my reflection piece, “Why are you Settling for Winning Half your Games? I think that the columns will be a bit derivative because everything needed to be said is already on that one page, but I’ll press on if I can.

I’d like to apologize to a necessarily angry readership. You should’ve expected more. Never once did I tell you to move your pieces forward. Sometimes the only advice you need is simple common sense! It’s all easier than studying the Najdorf too.

Perhaps you would even be right to question my fitness as a writer of a chess column. After all, I don’t even win more than half of the time against players of equal strength. To think that these writers have avoided arbitrary considerations and codified the Philosopher’s Stone of chess…”Go about as a rule of thumb, 60% aggression and 40% defending.” What have I been doing but dabbling?

Reading this piece gave me some cold comfort despite the abrupt end to the search for answers in chess, and my own guilt at not having forecast it. The flamboyant talent of Nakamura and Carlsen has heretofore been wasted, many contests decided by threefold-repetition as they refused to move pieces forward; we should see some more exciting contests now that strategic principles are available. I’m not the only one who has fallen down on the job either. Writers like Jacob Aagaard have been penning useless books on the Queen’s Indian; everyone now knows that it’s ridiculous and unsound to settle for a backward move like e6 in your opening. Support groups for chess players exist if you’re distraught about the sudden invalidity of defenses such as the French. There is help!

The only question I have is that if the article makes you win nearly always then why do the authors advise you to practice?

Isaac Newton accomplished quite a bit. He was an inventor, though of course no one truly needs some of the more highbrow stuff – either this Calculus, or the one with numbers and symbols. He was also a theoretician who happened upon gravity. Newton is supposed to have had one of the highest IQs, by inference since they didn’t have such tests in the 17th century, even among geniuses. He wrote theological works and found time to study optics. It’s a luminous CV, but one thing he couldn’t do was play chess.

There is record of him owning a board, but no evidence exists of his game scores. I surmised the other day I could “wipe the board with him” and set out to prove it. Of course he’s quite dead, so a human being had to play as Isaac.

“Isacc” agreed to calculate variations well, but without a conscious plan. A genius unfamiliar to chess but possessing formidable analytic skills might play this way. Isaac agreed on forgoing any positional considerations not noted down in literature extant to Newton. His technical endgame technique would be purposefully hideous and we decided that Newton, cagey fellow, would play a random opening to try to get his more modern opponent away from a theoretical struggle. Here is how the old coot fared. He has black in a Game in 30.

1. e4 d6 2. d4 Nf6 3. f3 {I’m trying to convert this Pirc into a Saemisch
King’s Indian. Black can play the lines of the Austrian Attack, this has some
similarities, without issue since white’s f4 will take two moves. F3 attempts
to “strongpoint” the e4 square.} g6 4. c4 Bg7 {They didn’t really fianchetto
bishops back then, nor did they have Indian Defenses. Of course, without
mixing it up a little an older player would be lost in a theoretical jungle
against even an average tournament player.} 5. Nc3 O-O 6. Bd3 Nc6 7. Nge2 e5 8.
d5 Ne7 9. O-O Nd7 {Perhaps better for white is just to develop and take the
dark squares. He’s solid and has a spatial advantage. He’s proven what he
needed to out of the opening.} 10. b4 a5 11. bxa5 {B5 would be better because
I can control the hole on c5 thanks to my queen. That knight on c3 isn’t going
anywhere, anyhow.} Rxa5 12. Nb5 Nc5 13. Bc2 c6 14. dxc6 bxc6 {Isaac gave me a
preponderance of pieces in my area of attack. Let’s see if he can deny me the
space I need for my plans.} 15. Qxd6 cxb5 16. Qxc5 {This pawn sacrifice is
quite exceptional and enough to make black slightly better. Not bad for a
human computer.} bxc4 17. Qxc4 Qb6+ 18. Rf2 Ba6 19. Qb3 Rb5 20. Qa3 Rc8 {This
is quite a critical section of the game. Black is under no threat, and I like
his practical chances. Unfortunately Newton doesn’t know how to optimize his
piece placement.} 21. Be3 Qb7 22. Bd3 {Black is now threading a fine line
between activity and chaos in the ranks.} Bf8 23. Bxb5 Bxb5 24. Bc5 {Not as
good as the simple Qc2 which breaks one pin and engages another. I was in love
with the a3-f8 diagonal but it’s time to change plans.} Nc6 25. Bxf8 Ra8 26.
Qb3 Kxf8 27. a4 Qa7 28. Qxb5 1-0

Sorry old boy. We might not do a lot in the world today, but we did build a society where mediocrity can flourish. Take that back to the 17th century with you.

The United States Chess Federation’s rating system has built-in rating floors. These prevent sandbagging, intentionally dropping your rating to play against lower-rated opposition, and also help preserve chess dignity. Without floors you could jeopardize a rating you worked your whole life to build.

My chess rating has dropped precipitously in the past few months and I’m nearly at my floor. At this proverbial fork in the road I can either take a break, I am taking up a new combat sport and trying to learn the piano anyway, or I can have some fun. I choose the latter.  I will be venturing The Vulture as black (as white I will be launching my f-pawn forward one square in what is known as the Barnes Opening). You may be asking why someone who wants to rehabilitate his game would reject generations of accumulated theory. Let me tell you why I will place my scant remaining respectability to 1. d4 c5 2. d5 Nf6 3. c4 Ne4?!

I am interested in rehabilitating my ability to work at problems I face over the board. Moving from the specific to the general for a moment I should mention the will to find the best move must also be improved. I plan to be tied down in a Gordian Knot of hanging material, shuttered knights, and an insecure king. There will be no far-flung hope for a draw, not with the amateurish undermining of my game without rhyme or reason. I will finally be forced to look for initiative and lose my penchant for passivity. That is one thing keeping me in the ratings cellar.

Chess is wonderful. There is no method which can hide your true strength. When you sing, chances are your friends tell you that you’re a regular nightingale. When you draw, well-meaning loved ones say “I just love impressionism!” to your badly-rendered portraits. Chess is a form of art which suffers no delusions. Much unmasked I must try the radical to improve.

The Vulture is a cruel creature elegantly adapted to a grisly job. Ever wonder why the bird is bald? It’s to keep clean when he’s snacking on the dearly departed. Feathers would require constant cleaning. The Benoni wannabe is every bit like its namesake in its stark rejection of formalism. The wizened bird knows one thing: notions of decorum must occasionally give way.

I’m not sure if Whose Line is it Anyway? is featured on British television but it’s worth finding some archived footage of the American version starring Colin Mochrie. You gave us  The Office so it’s the least we can do. Sometimes I feel I’m improvising when I’m playing chess. I play combinations and I’m hopeful, but, much like an impromptu gag with a rubber chicken, count on the unexpected happening. The results of my failed tactic late in this game sure had unforeseen consequences.

It is a game I played on Chess.com. It demonstrates some of the problems that face a setup featuring bishops both fianchettoed. It’s possible to fall into passivity early if you cannot pry open one good diagonal. I used the shaky Four Pawns Attack against the formation since it at least provides white great space. The onus is on the defender to prove the instability of the attacker’s central formation.

1. e4 g6 2. d4 b6 3. c4 Bb7 4. Nc3 Bg7 5. f4 e6 6. Nf3 Ne7 7. Be2 d6 8. O-O
Nbc6 9. e5 (9. d5 {The crux of this move is that Ng5 is able to punish the
weak e6 pawn if the f pawn recaptures. Thus exd is virtually forced and white
gets a great position.} exd5 10. cxd5 {The queen’s knight has no useful square.
}) 9… dxe5 10. fxe5 Nf5 11. Bg5 Qd7 12. d5 Nxe5 13. dxe6 Qxe6 14. Nb5 {I was
concerned about Qc6. This consolidating move stops the threat of the fork.
This plagued black for some time.} Nxf3+ 15. Bxf3 Bxf3 {?} 16. Qxf3 {? I
evaluated Nxc7 several moves deep but did not recognize it as an effective try.
I did see that Kf8 was forced after Nxc6, but I missed the fact that I can
recapture black’s queen with check. It’s a simple but important geometric
pattern.} (16. Nxc7+ Kf8) 16… O-O 17. Nxc7 Qxc4 18. Nxa8 Bxb2 19. Rab1 Nd4 {
Sometimes concrete analysis is the only way to find the right move. Qb7 looks
so ugly but it’s the only try that wins directly. What is the queen to do
there besides defend the wayward knight? It also lets black off the hook with
his f7 weakness. I am flummoxed here.} 20. Qf2 (20. Qb7 {With the idea of
extracting the piece and making sure white’s queen doesn’t get overburdened.})
20… Ne2+ 21. Kh1 Bd4 22. Qf3 Qxa2 {I commented during the game that Rbe1 was
a better try, and certainly safer than the text. Once the b-rook punches its
ticket to the 7th rank white is doing well.} 23. Nc7 (23. Rb3 {Looking at …
Rc8 and then Rb3!? on I am proud of this move although it’s objectively not
that fantastic. I chop a lot of wood and try to keep the game rather stable.
Once in a great while I sense an opportunity to do something cool with my guys.
I was not at all confident. As it turns out, I foresaw little of the variation
that I ended up getting in the game. Chess is a game of luck indeed.}) 23…
Rc8 {Nd5 was accurate and Rbe1 is still winning here.} 24. Rb3 Rxc7 25. Qa8+ {
? Move order is everything! I needed to stop the king from running.} (25. Bh6
Qa6 26. Rd3 {Gradually increasing the pressure until black cracks. With so
many loose pieces the game must be close to a close here.}) 25… Kg7 26. Rh3 {
H5 scared the dickens out of me. It is the correct defense.} (26. Bh6+ {A neat
try that I dismissed because I did not think I could force a mate. It turns
out I was correct in one line and not the other.} Kxh6 27. Qf8+ Kh5 (27… Kg5
28. Rh3 h5 29. Qd8+ f6 30. Qxc7 {Anything can happen! How’s that for expert
analysis? Hey, maybe you should upgrade to the premium membership!}) 28. Rh3+
Kg4 29. Rh4+ Kxh4 30. Qh6+ Kg4 31. h3+ {Good luck seeing this! I certainly
didn’t}) 26… Rc2 (26… h5 27. Qd8 {Everything is aimed at f6} Qc4 28. Bf6+
Bxf6 29. Qxf6+ Kh7 30. Rxh5+ gxh5 31. Qf5+ Kg8 32. Qg5+ Kf8 33. Qd8+ Kg7 {
Perpetual check!}) 27. Bh6# {A sad way to end a hard-fought game. I wanted to
keep playing.} 1-0

Space, as it rolls and tumbles away between him and his native soil, proves to have powers normally ascribed only to time; from hour to hour, space brings about changes very like those time produces, yet surpassing them in certain ways. Space, like time, gives birth to forgetfulness, but does so by removing an individual from all relationships…

– Thomas Mann from The Magic Mountain

I am white in a Game 60. My opponent is Thomas Mundell.

1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 d6 3. Nc3 g6 4. e4 Bg7 5. Nf3 O-O 6. Be2 Nbd7 {A minor error.
Black must expand with c5 or e5 while he can.} 7. O-O a6 8. e5 dxe5 9. dxe5 Ng4
10. e6 Nde5 11. exf7+ Nxf7 {I’ve played well so far, but now comes a
middlegame that I don’t particularly like. I am going into it with an
advantage and hope it will be more sizeable than my opponent’s ability to
outplay me.} 12. Bf4 {After the queen trade white’s claim to an advantage is
gone. It’s important to examine why the first player is better and then to
expand upon that. In this case it’s the vulnerability of black’s queen and his
hanging knight.} e5 13. Bg3 Bf5 14. Nh4 {Qb3 is clearly better. I ended up
concluding that the weakness on b7 didn’t merit a response from black. What I
failed to reckon with is that it might gain me a move later. The reason why
black can neglect the defense revolves around the proximity of his pieces to
that square and the weakness of b2. I can fix those problems later, with
tactics, and then win the b-pawn. Or at least create a threat to do so –
Qb3 had more bite than I supposed.} Ngh6 {I thought that this move was forced.
My opponent had an intermezzo to avoid it. Exchanging queens was the ticket.}
15. Qd5 {The queen exchange continues to benefit black.} c6 16. Qc5 {I’m
trying to exploit the b6 weakness. My opponent wants to thrust his e-pawn I
presume. I’ll need to blockade that now.} Ng5 17. Rad1 Qc8 {Obviously the
e-pawn is hanging. I didn’t take it because I (incorrectly) imagined that a
timely Re8 would win the the e2 bishop. It doesn’t. 18. Na4 {Now you see the point of the quote.

Both pairs of horse and rider find themselves on the margins. A knight
on the rim is often dim; less euphonic, but more accurate, is a knight on the
rim is removed from relations. The connections that make existence valuable,
and also make chess pieces powerful, are more easily severed than
reestablished. As time passes the cost of rebuilding these ties increases
fatally.} Ne4 19. Qb4 Nxg3 20. hxg3 a5 21. Qb3 Qc7 22. c5+ {Trying to create a
weak square for black on d6} Kh8 23. Rd6 b6 24. Nxb6 Rab8 25. Rfd1 Rbd8 26.
Nxf5 Nxf5 {While white is winning here the dark square bishop looks like it’s
going to be monstrous soon.} 27. Rxd8 Rxd8 28. Rxd8+ Qxd8 {In this endgame I
know I’ll need to be accurate. Black will have some counterplay if I’m not
careful. Perhaps I should have just played to extend the middlegame.} 29. Qa4
h5 30. Qxa5 {I think I took this one, an inferior choice, because I thought
I’d win the other with check at some point.} Qd4 31. Qa8+ Kh7 32. Qxc6 {I was
right! I was right! Before dancing in the streets I ought to consider how
terrible my 2nd rank is.} Nxg3 33. Bf3 {? Thinking that I’ll be able to snap
the knight off after e4.} e4 {The pawn is pinned. Black is now up.} 34. Qd6
exf3 {The knight is still floating in space.} 35. Qxg3 Qxc5 36. Na4 {Saving
the knight…better is to accept that I am running out of time and entered
into an endgame where I am qualitatively down a minor piece.} Qc1+ 37. Kh2 fxg2
38. Kxg2 Qc6+ 39. Qf3 {In the end black has to pause to figure out if the
knight is worth capturing. As it turns out it’s blocking the way to the
more-valuable pawns and gets captured. I resign here. Check out this game of Judit Polgar’s to see the theme expanded upon at a high level.